circles

It's been a couple hours since it started, but I'm finally starting to kick the hormones below the surface. I hope enough for good sleep.

27 days out of 29 I'm fine. Playing, creating, walking, working - the ebb and flow of focus and amusement. But for two days...does any other woman think fluctuating hormones are their thorn in the flesh? That sharp pain I feel in my stomach matches Paul's imagery so well.

And talking about it isn't helping. Writing about it brings contemplation - but not forgetfulness. No matter how many people I open to about my pain, I still feel like it's buried, unreachable as hell. Talking about it was supposed to help heal. That's what people say after they spill their guts: "it feels good just to talk about it. Thanks for listening." Of course it felt good to talk about it; its just me enjoying the attention and the concern people gave me. For all of my introversion - I do love the spotlight unflatteringly applied.

God has made it quite clear that what I wanted (or, had so many reasons to want) with Matt is NOT my calling. In the wake, He's given me people to love, a community to serve, and a job that gives me joy most days. I am truly blessed - but I cannot help but obsess.